The Saga of Zabuza
by Brynn Dharielle
Summary: An entirely random parody of the fantasy genre, fairy tales and various other things... with Naruto characters. You will find more details inside. Kind of retarded, read at your own peril.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer:** _Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and whoever else has worked on it so far and has legal rights. Yeah. You know the deal._

**Story Info:** _Question: So, what is this? Answer: By no means a brilliant piece of writing. Far from it, actually. It makes use of the Naruto characters, but it's intended to parody the fantasy genre in general, society, and a plethora of random other things.__ It was actually only written to amuse me during the less important classes in school._

_Initially, I left blanks instead of character names and numbered them 1, 2, 3, and so on. Then, the idea came to make pieces of paper with Naruto character names on them. My desk mate drew the notes, tombola-style, one for each number, and the matches were totally random. We then replaced the numbers in the story with their respective Naruto character. The story is only called what it's called because Zabuza was the first character she drew, so he's the main hero and all that._

_I have all the chapters, but I just need to translate them from Romanian. That's gonna be the only update delay._

**Warning:** _This is totally childish and silly. Flagrant OOCness. Since the matches were random, most characters did not fall into spots that constitute proper parodies of them. However, some did. Sort of. Maybe. _

* * *

**Prologue -- Premises – The Three Plots of Doom**

Zabuza grew up in a quaint little village everyone had fled from due to the fact he was there. He never had a family, friends or Temaris (whatever these last ones were). His greatest dream was to become a famous Zetsu.

The Zetsus were a highly appreciated class of heroes, who spent their entire day at the tavern, pwning Sasuke at poker. But Sasuke was secretly planning his revenge along with his partner in crime, Sakon/Ukon. They wanted to kidnap Zabuza in order to extract the Essence of All Ugliness and Stupidity. With that power, they would be able to develop the perfect and ultimate superhuman weapon: Deidara.

Meanwhile, king Rock Lee had arranged for his daughter, princess Anko, to marry old emperor Naruto from the neighboring country in order to obtain peace. Upset that Naruto wasn't even bringing gifts, Anko decided to run away from home, thus avoiding the dreaded marriage. The only object she took with her was a magical amulet that allowed her to summon Orochimaru during any time of the day (except noon, because then he was on his lunch break).


	2. Chapter I

**Chapter One -- Pretty Friend**

Suddenly bored with his solitude, Zabuza decided to leave his village to find his destiny. He didn't take anything with him and hit the road; since the big city was only a few meters away, he made it there almost immediately.

As he was walking down an alley and had reached a corner, he bumped into a strange hooded person, wearing a pink cloak, latest trends. As they dusted themselves back up, the person's hood fell off, revealing perfect make-up, though we're not talking about a woman.

"I'm sorry," the weird dude said. "Maaan, you're ugly. Well anyways. I'm the Most Beautiful Itachi, pleased to meet you."

"I'm Zabuza."

"Dreadful name," Itachi remarked. "Anyways, I gotta flee now. Some guys are after me because I stole their toys."

"Maybe I can help," Zabuza enthusiastically offered, all hero-like.

Itachi hid behind him and stayed there. Soon enough came a troupe of well-organized soldiers who were (of course) looking for Itachi. Only... Zabuza was so very ugly that they did not dare to look his way and moved along, following their leader, an imposing and sadistic-looking figure.

As soon as the soldiers had gone, Itachi emerged from behind Zabuza.

"Thanks a lot, bro," he said with relief. "That's it, now you're officially my bestest friend ever! But ya need a make-over, definitely. I know a gal who can do that for you, but you have to come with me. We can find her at Shikamaru's tavern."

"Okay," Zabuza accepted, happy that he had made a friend. "By the way, who were those guys after you? They looked strong."

"Well, their leader's called Kimimaro. He's the terror of this city. He works directly for king Rock Lee and he collects the toy taxes, which I've stolen."

And thus, the two set out for the tavern, unknowingly beginning the greatest adventure ever told.


	3. Chapter II

**Chapter Two -- Drama**

"Man, this is boring," princess Anko thought to herself as she was walking down a street.

Nobody cared about her now that she wasn't wearing cool clothes anymore. Not even Kakashi, who was renowned in the city because he would hit on basically every woman he saw. How sad.

So, walking off like that and not knowing what to do, Anko got the sudden idea to call Orochimaru. She pulled the magical amulet out of her pocket and showed it a cookie. At such a summons, Orochimaru showed up immediately.

"Give me the cookie!" he whined. "If not, I'll go back in. It's cold out here, you're ugly and I was watching my favorite soap opera!"

Princess Anko gave him the cookie, and he gobbled it up instantly.

"Yum," he mumbled. "It tastes like Chouji. You know how much I like that. Anyway.. what the heck do you want? Is it another 'please paint my nails' summons? Get over yourself. You'll NEVER be as pretty as I am!"

Indeed, Orochimaru was a sex symbol. At least in their kingdom. That wasn't really a compliment.

"Well, you're not as good-looking as the Most Beautiful Itachi, either," Anko retorted. "He's my true love, even though I've never met him. I'm a very dedicated fangirl."

"Yeah, yeah, okay," Orochimaru said boredly. "You owe me a BOX of cookies for that. Now, say what you want."

"Honestly..." Anko replied. "I'm bored."

"I have the perfect solution for that," Orochimaru assured her. "We have to go to an old friend of mine, Prophet Iruka. He's a genius, trust me. He'll tell you the best joke you've ever heard, and from it you shall know your destiny!"

"Then, let's go!" the princess bid, finally enthusiastic.

"Well... that's kinda difficult," Orochimaru fidgeted uncomfortably. "I forgot how to get there. I'm sorry. One can't look good and have brains at the same time. Please don't condemn me for making my choice!"

"Then what?!" Anko yelled at him. "And I'm not condemning you! I'm just going to beat you up until the end of time, you idiot! You didn't learn anything in school!"

"Alright, alright," Orochimaru defended. "Here's the deal. We'll go to the All-Knowing Ibiki. He will certainly know the way. Only... we have a problem."

"What is it?" 

"Two problems, actually. I dunno where to find him, either. Besides, Kiba and Sakura, two bounty hunters, are after him because he stole the golden statue of Ino from king Rock Lee."

"Yeah, so?" Anko looked unimpressed. "You're supposed to be well-trained and able to beat two lame bounty hunters... right?"

"Yes... but... you see... they are..."

DRAMATIC PAUSE.

"... my parents."

After that, Orochimaru started to cry. Anko just stood there, staring at him.

"Give me a handkerchief, you meanie!" Orochimaru sobbed most pitifully, then began to cry even harder. "Instead of trying to comfort me, you're sitting there like an idiot!"

"Okay, okay, here you go," Anko said as she threw him a crumpled tissue. "That's all I've got."

Orochimaru was just getting ready to cuss her out, when...

"Are you in need of help?" a disturbingly high-pitched voice was heard.

Anko and Orochimaru looked that way, and they were able to see a mysterious man.

"Dude, what the hell?" Orochimaru looked stupefied. "What happened to your voice?"

"Orochimaru, do you know him?" Anko asked. "Who is he?"

"Yes, I know him," sighed Orochimaru. "He's Kabuto. His specialty is sticking his nose in other people's business... he's really good at what he does."

"And why does he have that voice?"

"Ah," Kabuto interjected. "Because someone just kicked me in my unholy place. Risks of the trade. It'll pass. Now, follow me! I will take you to the All-Knowing Ibiki!"

"Okay," Anko and Orochimaru replied.

All three of them set out. They walked in circles for around three hours, then finally took the right path.


	4. Chapter III

**Chapter Three -- PlotPlotPlot**

In his pitiful ramshackle hut, where he lived because he had lost all his money at poker, Sasuke stood in his hammock, plotting revenge. He looked calm. So very calm.

"Bastard!" he suddenly yelled, throwing a plate at the opposite wall, where he had hung a poster with the boss and spiritual leader of all Zetsus, Zetsu the Great.

"Ow, you idiot," Sakon/Ukon cursed him when the plate shattered and he got hit by a piece. "Control yourself. And, you know, you should kinda take a bath. You can plot your revenge in the shower all the same."

"We had the water cut off," Sasuke rebuked. "I didn't have enough money to pay for it."

"You incompetent loser," Sakon/Ukon sighed. "I am clearly the brain of this entire operation. I'll go over to borrow some money from Hidan."

"Oh, yeah?" Sasuke mocked him. "And what're you gonna offer in return?"

"A slave."

Sasuke's eyes widened in admiration. "You have one?"

"Yeah," Sakon/Ukon replied. "You. Now shut up."

"No, no, no," Sasuke suddenly became active. "Hold on. I'll find something... (...) ... I know! I will go seek help from my childhood mentor, Juugo. He's 80 now, but I'm sure he's still just as cool as he used to be!"

Sakon/Ukon agreed, so Sasuke flew out the window with his tiny and oh-so-manly wings. After a while, however, the wings grew tired and so they flew on without Sasuke, who was way too heavy.

Sasuke had a free fall, until he finally landed straight in mid-lake, on the inflatable boat where Kankurou rested.

"Welcome to my lottery," said the latter, though he was rather squished below. "I'm the richest man on the planet. Wanna try and steal something from me?"

"No," Sasuke smiled sweetly to him. "You'll give it to me willingly, because you secretly love me?"

"And why hasn't anyone told ME about that?!" a furious frog leaped out of a bush nearby. "Why do you people always ignore me?!"

"Who the hell are you?" Sasuke and Kankurou asked in unison, blinking rapidly.

"Paparazzi," the frog replied. "My name is Konohamaru. Now, come on boys, bring in the cameras."

Sasuke and Kankurou looked stupefied; they watched as a bunch of other frogs emerged from the bushes and gradually installed a filming plateau.

"What're you two waiting for?" Konohamaru scolded them. "You're on the Titanic, come on!" With that, he stung the boat with a needle and everything began to sink.


	5. Chapter IV

**Chapter Four -- Hair Experts **

"This is Kurenai," Itachi told Zabuza, referring to the multicolor-haired woman in front of them. "As you can see, she experiments on herself, but I assure you she's a great hair stylist!"

"That's right," the woman said. "By the way, have you guys heard that the princess was reported missing?"

"No," the two replied in unison. "When?"

"Today. Look!" Kurenai threw them a poster she had peeled off a filthy wall earlier. "There's even a picture."

"Wow," Zabuza remarked. "She's wonderful. I'm going to find her and marry her!"

After staring at him for a moment, Itachi nodded. "You were made for each other. She's incredibly ugly, too. I'm so much prettier than the two of you!"

"Yes, but she has the amazing Orochimaru," a dreamy-eyed Kurenai objected. "He's my idol."

"Horrible choice." Itachi wrinkled his nose. "Look, I've got some ultra-important business to take care of, so… Eh? What?"

Shikamaru had just stuck his head into the room through the now open door. He was staring at them, very insistently.

"Would you like something to drink?" he asked.

"…" Itachi really didn't like being interrupted. Or was that it? Either way, he lost it and started yelling. "I told you about five minutes ago! And ten minutes ago! AND fifteen minutes ago!! NO!!"

"Perfect," Shikamaru replied. "There's nothing left to drink anyway. We've got Sasori here today, and he's well known for how much he can drink. He finished everything."

Laughing for no real reason, Shikamaru left.

"As I was saying…" Itachi resumed, after staring suspiciously at the door for a while. "I need to leave. My beauty has urgent matters to attend some place else! See ya!"

And with those words, he sneaked out through your local conveniently positioned hole in the wall, leaving Zabuza and Kurenai alone.

"What color of hair would you like?" Kurenai asked. "Blond? Pink?"

"Lame gray, if possible, please," Zabuza said.

"That's already its color, dimwit. It's horrible. Anything else you can think of?"

"Er… puke green?"

"Fluffy blue!" they heard Itachi's enthusiastic voice, and his head popped in through the hole he had used earlier.

"Get back here right now!" a woman yelled from the other side. "You still haven't finished cleaning my shoes!"

"I'll be right away, Tayuya, please don't hit me!"

Itachi vanished again, leaving the other two dumb-founded. Is that even a color? Anyway, finally Kurenai pointed towards the nearest chair.

"Sit down, please."


	6. Chapter V

**Chapter Five -- Screw You, Guys, Soap Operas FTW!**

The All-Knowing Ibiki's mind was floating through a relaxing nonexistence when suddenly two idiots popped up in front of him; one of them was gorging himself on cookies. They were followed by a really ugly woman, and all three of them stared at him as though the end of the world were near.

"What? Is there something on my face?" Ibiki asked, slipping back into reality. He felt carefully at his face to convince himself that there was nothing. Oh, no. Not those sounds again…

"Why were you spacing?" the woman asked him.

Of course, being All-Knowing and stuff, Ibiki knew her name was Anko. "You really can't hear that?" he complained. "That damned statue keeps singing all the time! Only in nonexistence can I escape that."

Listening more carefully, the three realized that, indeed, they were hearing a pitiful, strident and really whiny excuse for a song. It was pretty much like all the crap that's popular now, only less artificially enhanced, which made it even worse.

"Dude!" Orochimaru exclaimed with his mouth full. "And here I thought Tsunade was the worst singer ever!"

"Hey," Kabuto reacted to that. "There's a poster of her in my room."

"You like that crap!?" Orochimaru pretty much choked on his cookie.

"No," Kabuto said, sniffling. "But my roommate loves it. His name is Shino and he's really muscular and everything, so he'd totally kick me to the moon if I took that poster down."

"Yes, yes, how sad, etcetera, etcetera," Ibiki interjected. "Now, may I know what the hell you morons are doing here?"

The three exchanged glances and a few moments of silence.

"We forgot," they finally admitted.

"But since we're here," Kabuto mused. "Do flowers grow anywhere near? I feel like picking some."

"Oh, yeah!" Orochimaru added. "And when's the rerun for episode 6347 of my favorite soap opera? I missed it because of HER!" He pointed accusingly towards Anko.

"Yeah, there are flowers growing on the field right outside the city, but they belong to Neji the Ogre. He'll get all upset and start crying if you pick them." After that, Ibiki turned to Orochimaru.

But he was interrupted by Anko. "Oh, I remembered!" she yelled all of a sudden. It really smelled like brain-fry around her. "We came here to ask you how to get to Prophet Iruka."

"…What the heck?" Ibiki said, blinking. "There's signs and indicators for that on every single street in the city!"

…

"Oh. Really?" Anko asked.

"…Yes."

"Okay then! Thanks!"

"Right. So, in the end, when's the rerun for that episode?" Orochimaru resumed.

"There won't be a rerun," Ibiki said with a sigh, but then he smiled brightly. "But don't worry! I have it on DVD! We can watch it together."

"How cool!" Orochimaru rejoiced.

They hugged and then ran off into the sunset to watch their episode.

"Ok, I'm gonna go pick some flowers," Kabuto said, looking at Anko. "They're on somebody else's property! Awesome! Wanna come?"

"…Oh…kay." She didn't really have much choice, did she? Please don't blame her.


End file.
